One Year Ago This Week

A year. This week marks one year from my 16 week appointment where I brought up a suspicious lump to my midwife. If it weren’t for the calm, but serious, encouragement of that caring midwife, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Dismissing my concerns and letting my cancer fester until after delivery is something that I can’t even wrap my mind around. On the first appointment with my oncologist, she wrote in her notes “your midwife saved your life”. She’s right. After 4 Rounds of AC chemotherapy, a double mastectomy while pregnant, Step 1 to my reconstruction surgery, 4 Rounds of Taxol chemotherapy, 25 rounds of radiation, and months of expansion—it all leads to this. This is the day I’ve been waiting for. July 17th. Tomorrow morning I’m going into surgery to have my tissue expanders removed and permanent implants replaced, along with some scar revision. I’ve always been a private person and this diagnosis and treatment have caused me to be more open about myself and my body than I ever thought I could be. If it weren’t for the support of Ryan, I don’t think I could have made it out on the other side feeling as positive and full of love for life. Also, knowing that I work for a company that values my professional efforts and also my personal well being was such a piece of mind going through this. After going into an active lifestyle so quickly after treatment, I assume the one month hiatus on exercise will be somewhat difficult, but I’m prepared to cope with the difficulties both mentally and physically. This isn’t the “all clear” that our friends and family wants—cancer will never leave my mind and there’s no guarantee it’ll stay out of my body. But I’m confident knowing I did everything in my power to take on this disease, half while pregnant. We are cautiously optimistic about this surgery, as my choice to complete radiation therapy could cause issues with the skin healing. My doctors are feeling good going into surgery, and I’m going to take their feel good energy with me as I drift into that lovely sleep. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, donations, and meals over the past year—and especially tomorrow.




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Be your own advocate. Know your body. You're not too young to be at risk for breast cancer, or other diseases. Speak up to your doctors if you feel like something isn't right!

By Your Side

After everything I've been through emotionally over the course of my diagnosis and treatment, everything has seemed different. Songs, poems, books, movies, that I experienced pre-cancer have taken on such different meanings during my treatment. This song is no exception. This experience can be, and is, very isolating. Not only is it really strange to have breast cancer at 25, and it's not something that a lot of people can relate to, as hard as they try. On that same token, it's nice to know that we're never alone. This song reminds me of holding onto God, but at the same time fighting back and wondering how he could let this happen to me.

Radiation is my first treatment where I have to be completely by myself, whereas Ryan was with me during all chemo and Benjamin was sweetly inside me during any surgery, I'm in a cold room of big machines being spoken to through a speaker in the ceiling. I've turned to comforting music that remind me I'm never alone. Whatever it takes to help me get through these 30 treatments, right?

By Your Side: Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHgNCj4DU_M


Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

'Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, yeah I'll love you
I'll never let you go, no, no

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Here at my side, my hands are holding you

Why? A Post from CaringBridge

I don't really talk about my cancer a lot on this blog, since it's more upbeat. Yesterday I posted this on our CaringBridge site and I think that it warranted being re-posted on here. My hope is that another young woman will come across this and it'll help her deal with what she is feeling about her own diagnosis and treatment.

This is hard. Cancer sucks. It is not smiles and pink ribbons and pink coffee mugs. Some days I feel really upbeat and like I can conquer the world, and others I find myself wiping my tears with one of Ben’s burp cloths. I have prayed and soul searched so much over the past 6 months. Why did this happen to me? What did I ever do that was bad enough to deserve this?

Not only myself, but I consistently worry about everyone around me. How it’s affecting my husband, how is it for him to look at other women who have hair and aren't covered by scars robbing them of their femininity. The fear he must feel about potentially losing his wife, physically and emotionally from this disease. About my parents. Parents should never have to bury their children, and I hate that this disease I’m fighting makes that a not too unrealistic thought.

Someone gave me advice early on that having a positive attitude really helps with treatment, recovery, and recurrence. I agree. It keeps you from getting down in the dumps and losing the energy to move forward. I try and put on a positive face every day, and if I had a nickel for every person that told me “how positive” I am or what a “great outlook” I have, we wouldn’t be asking for donations for medical bills. But here’s the thing, sometimes trying to be positive all the time can be bad. Like how I don’t feel like I can be negative. Being honest about my darker feelings, depression, or anger feels like I’m letting everyone down. Like everyone will realize that maybe I wasn’t really so positive. I read a quote that said something to the effect of “cancer doesn’t make you a more positive person, it just makes you a better actress”. Truer words have never been spoken. Although I do feel like forcing myself to have more positive thoughts makes me really start to believe them.

Sometimes I just really want to be angry, though. I want to go out in my back yard and scream up at the sky. I want to scream at God for dealing me these cards that have absolutely rocked me to my core. I want to kick and scream and go to that place in San Francisco where you can pay to throw plates at walls.  Dealing with your own mortality is serious business. When the cancer takes over your body and you’re nothing left but a shell of a person, the loved ones around you will never forget seeing you that way. I look down at this baby sleeping on my chest, and he needs his mother. I want to live to worry about Benjamin being out later than his curfew, and to pin his corsage for prom. I want to meet his girlfriend that will become his wife, and dance with him at his wedding. I don’t want him to grow up as a child that lost a parent. And Ryan, poor Ryan. Nobody thinks when they get married at 23 that the “sickness and in health” part will come into play for many decades to come, not two years down the road. This man has been through so much over the past six months. Although not physically enduring the surgeries and treatments, he’s been right there by my side. I have never felt alone in this whole process because of him. He fights right beside me during the day, and holds me while I cry out of fear at night. What did this loving, compassionate person do to deserve having a wife diagnosed with a life threatening disease in his twenties? It seems like everyone else our age is living with no major worries or struggles, enjoying their twenties.  I’m shaken at the thought of leaving Ryan as a widow to raise Benjamin on his own.

Breast cancer is horrible and mean and sneaky. Just when you think it’s under control and gone, it comes back with a vengeance. It’s like a nasty, slimy, monster that wants to steal mothers from their children, wives from their husbands, and daughters from their parents. It’s wrong. It shouldn’t happen to anyone, any family, any friend. We need research and we need medications to treat triple negative. My friends I’ve met on this journey are also daughters, sisters, friends, and mothers. I wish I had a million dollars and a pair of boxing gloves. I would donate all of the money to research for medication to keep this disease for coming back to me, and I would use the gloves to physically beat the crap out of this monster

Triple Negative Breast Cancer Day

Today is the first annual Triple Negative Breast Cancer Day. At 3pm local time, please take a minute to honor those women who have passed, and the women who are currently fighting this horrible disease. Do self checks and be your own advocate. Cancer doesn't discriminate by age, race, finances, or anything. Every 12 hours another woman is diagnosed with TNBC and that woman is a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend of someone.

Triple Negative is a much more agressive type of breast cancer. It's less understood, more likely to recur, and more difficult to treat. As of this time there are no targeted therapies or maintenance treatments to keep this from coming back-- just maintenance checks with an oncologist and prayer. PLEASE post this on your blog or facebook page. Awareness equals research and that's what we need. I need to live to see my son grow up and get married, and get wrinkly with my husband. #TNBCday

You can read about our journey with this disease on our caringbridge: www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahaddison and our fundraising page www.gofundme.com/sarahaddison

Stronger

This song has been my mantra lately, and i just love the encouragement it provides. Props to this lady for making a truly awesome video at her infusion center. I love it!

World Cancer Day 2013

Today is World Cancer Day. Give yourself a breast exam, get a mammogram, and go see the doctor if something doesn't seem right. Early detection can be the difference between life and death. Cancer does not discriminate for age-- you are not too young to be your best advocate!

Bra Day Usa

Happy Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day!!! Breast reconstruction is a major part of the healing process for breast cancer survivors, and many women don't know about their options. This organization is devoting themselves to educating women in the USA, and Canada, and I fully support them. In fact, once I'm done with my surgeries I'm going to sign up to be one of their "model volunteers". 89% of women want to see real reconstruction results before their go in for a mastectomy, and having gone through this myself I can agree. Not only would it be great to see real results, it's be great to see younger survivors. Many of the photos I saw were of women in their late 40s and up-- clearly we didn't look the same to begin with, and I found the photos to be uninspiring and sort of depressing. I'm hoping to make a difference with this journey I've been put on.

Blog With Love: Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I'm kicking off Breast Cancer Awareness month by participating in the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation's third annual blogger initiative, to Act With Love. Hoping to use my voice to help further breast cancer research by encouraging you (my readers) to turn your awareness into action. Awareness is fantastic, and is the catalyst for action-- but we need more action to have a cure. For such a prevalent disease, we still know so little about breast cancer. 1 in 8 women will be affected by this diagnosis, and research will help us develop targeted treatments for a cure and recurrence.

How do I Act with Love?

Despite the reigning success of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and millions of dollars raised, we still have very little knowledge about breast cancer.  Now is the time to shift the discussion from awareness to pinpointing the cause and accelerating prevention--and you can help!  Turn your fervent awareness of this disease that affects one in eight women, and take action by investing yourself in breast cancer research.  Together we can fast track research and end breast cancer within our lifetime.

What is the Health of Women study?

With the introduction of the Health of Women study (HOW) TODAY October 1st, the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation will revolutionize the fight against breast cancer.  By crowdsourcing health information, and involving the general public directly, we will uncover the information that will end breast cancer.  This groundbreaking initiative invites the public, men and women over the age of 18 of all health backgrounds, to be collaborators by participating in the study via the web or on their mobile devices.  HOW will also turn traditional research practices on its head by creating a venue for researchers to gather and share information, with the definitive goal of ending breast cancer.  To learn more about the Health of Women study, visit: www.healthofwomenstudy.org.

Peace

Saw this image on the Facebook site for the Breast Cancer Society and thought I would share. During this physically and emotionally trying time, it's sometimes difficult to find peace in your heart.

PEACE

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. 

It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

20 Weeks (two weeks late)

Part of my philosophy for the cancer battle, is to not lose site of the other big change in my life right now. This beautiful, perfect, little boy that's growing inside me. He's not even here yet and I love him so much and want to protect him with everything I can.

Here's our 20 week bump photo, actually taken around 21. I'm 22 weeks today! Time has really flown, and it's hard to believe that I've technically been pregnant since March. It's funny because I don't think my belly is that big when I look in the mirror, but when I see pictures from before I'm like WOAH!

The Buzz

We did it-- I let my husband buzz my head. I love him with my whole heart and trusted him enough to do it-- never thought we'd encounter him cutting my hair in our marriage. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yesterday I wrote a journal entry in our Caring Bridge about hair because I had a feeling it was coming soon. You can read the journal entry here: www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahaddison.

A Different Blog

I haven't posted on here a lot lately, mostly because my time has been spent either at the hospital or sleeping. Ryan and I set up a Caring Bridge site and that's where I've been posting journal entries and updates through the process. I'll try and keep posting on here, but I think we'll switch over to the Caring Bridge site for now. We'll see though, maybe I'll want to keep writing about unimportant things on here to keep some aspect of my life light. Chemo treatments and nonstop doctors visits can really put a damper on a 25 year old day-to-day life, so we've been trying to keep things as normal as possible.

You can visit the Caring Bridge site here.

Prayers Please

Things have been busy here in Denver. Between moving and finding out we were having a baby boy, we also received some additional news. Please visit my Caring Bridge site for more information.

You can also access the site by visiting CaringBridge.org and search "sarahaddison" (no space) in the visit site search. Thank you for all of your support.